Thanks guys. I really appreciate your sentiments. It's odd, I had to grieve the loss of my father for probably the last 15 years. Oh, he was alive and well most of those years, but he wasn't the father most kids wished they had. Don't get me wrong, there are a lot of worse specimens of fathers out there, but I try not to compare. I think it's important just to look at what you have and live with it without comparison, because what you have is what you have.
Dad was always around, but wasn't really "there" for most of my life. Emotionally he was distant, as if his only job in life was to provide financially. Where my brother and sister remember him working on cars and bikes with us with love and care, I remember him swearing at us and throwing fits because of some mistake we'd make, some tool we'd misplaced or something we'd spill in the process. His temper was as high as his selfishness. In my childhood, I don't think I wished for more. I just grew up thinking the way it was was the way it was supposed to be. Some time after graduating from college and getting married, I started to realize there was a Dad-sized hole in my heart. I've had to grieve that for many many years.
Seeing that I'm in Alabama, and he was in Michigan, added to the fact that there wasn't much of a relationship there anymore, I only saw him when I had to go back for funerals. So, my grieving has pretty much run it's course.
I learned a lot from him, but most of what I learned wasn't lessons he knew he was teaching me. I constantly ask myself if I'm emotionally available for my kids, if I'm meeting them on a deeper level, if I'm loving my wife, or if I'm thinking only of myself.
Relationships aren't perfect here on Earth. We take what we get and do our best to make them as good as they can be.
Thanks again for all of your thoughts, prayers and concerns. What a great group of people you all are.
Brian.
