Horrible, horrible day, and a thank you.

[Anonymous]

Count your blessings & give thanks for the impulse that motivated that talk, BB. I'm dead serious, and I'm pulling for you big time.

Option A : you de-couple now, the way you did. Quick & clean.

Option B : that $hit simmers for years until it finally hits the fan 15 years down the road with kids in the picture.

People know what they want well enough. But they often have very little idea of what it is that they really need. He was what you wanted. But if he was what you needed, and you were his answer, we wouldn't be offering you advice & encouragement.

Get drunk if that's on your list of available options. Nothing like alcohol to re-introduce you to the side of yourself you're dealing with. Get it all cried out of your system. Flushing the emotional toilet's job one. You don't want to be going around with that bottled up inside you, trying to deny or minimise it (lying to your heart), or you'll be setting yourself up for failure next time (and there WILL be one) -- taking his leftover stuff out on the next guy, who didn't ask for it and won't deserve it.

Don't worry about whether you're happy from moment to moment, & don't martyr yourself in your imagination. Once it's done, let it go. Don't keep obsessing & dissecting it past its expiration date (a big time feminine tendency). It might even turn out that it's not really as much about him as it is about the hopes and dreams you invested in him.

If you need a motto to float you over the shoals for a while, make it "That was then. This is now." Starting over fresh, clean and new, with a million possibilities ahead of you. Really. It never seems that way at the time, but it always is when you look back at it.

Happy landings, BB.

FWIW

:face:

 

[Briarbabe]

Such wonderful advice and support. I knew I joined the right forum. Thank you all. I am definitely "flushing the emotional toilet". I haven't cried this much since I was a teenager. I'm exhausted and hurting, but I know this is all part and parcel of the broken heart. I know the first week is the hardest. I know each day will get marginally better. I know that in time I will look back on this and it won't hurt as much. I know it was the right decision and it was made in a timely manner, so as to save a friendship. I'm very proud of myself for that at least, as I usually stay long past the time I should have left.

 

[Buckshot]

I don't know if this can be any consolation, but the day after a relationship I was in ended, I met my future wife. And that was the beginning of a new relationship that ended in a marriage that has lasted a mere 43, almost 44 years. So you just never know. And I have never been happier.

 

[skaukatt]

Hang in there! Sorry for the platitude but things do happen for a reason and better you find out sooner than later. You never know what this interlude may bring so, keep the faith, fill some bowls and stay in touch here, it's a fine group as you have come to find out.

Happier Smokes to you!

Lou

 

[sand18f]

Sounds like you could use a smile.

http://<iframe width="560" height="315" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/uQkyvgvDnIQ" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" frameborder="0" loading="lazy" allowfullscreen></iframe>

Bill

 

[the rev]

sorry sweetie, find lots of things to do, helping to ease others pain always makes me think less about my own. I hope you grieve good and hard, and then love recklessly with great boldness in the future.

rev

 

[Briarbabe]

I hope you grieve good and hard, and then love recklessly with great boldness in the future.

rev

It's the only way I know how.

My friend took me to a wine tasting and bought me a bottle of wine which I plan on drinking once the kids are in bed. I got home and thought, "You know he wasn't good for you in the way that you need. You know that. Cherish the time that you had with him and let go. When you're ready, you've still got a friend to go to beer tastings and rock shows with. Stop crying because you're going to be fine." So I did. I piled my kids in the car and drove to the mall feeling a bit better. We blew $20 at the arcade and my amazing daughter (17) made her little brothers' day (5 & 3) by winning 1900 tickets. We walked out of there like Arcade Kings with all of our loot. My mom had pizza delivered so I wouldn't have to think about cooking. I know it's going to take time. I know I'm not out of the woods yet and I still have a few tears left to shed. I also know, I'm gonna be fine.

 

[NorthernLights]

@Briarbabe: I'm half sorry at your loss, and half happy for you, as this seems a good thing in the long run and an opportunity for tremendous growth.

@Rev: That is a fantastic, *fantastic* quote. Is it your own? I'm going to write it down and use it in future. Thanks for sharing.

 

[Anonymous]

Nahh, you are done with the grieving process.  Its that steps thing you know.  Not sure what the next step is but pretty sure nutting him come later.

 

[Briarbabe]

Nahh, you are done with the grieving process.  Its that steps thing you know.  Not sure what the next step is but pretty sure nutting him come later.

Nah, still a little grieving to do, and no I'm not nutting him. There's nothing to be mad at him for. We had a great thing while it lasted and we were smart enough to realize it just wasn't going to work, and in doing so, salvaged the friendship we found in the beginning. No nutting.

 

[Planemech]

The fact that you hurt from this event, says quite a bit about who you are as a person. If you did not hurt, it would be a real problem. Do not, under any circumstances, ever lower your standards for anyone. A person of your caliber will find true love. This is just a step in the proper direction.

 

[DoverPipes]

Not to get overly personal but......
Were your kids upset by this? Just curious to see how they felt about your man.
Sometimes the little buggers see things we can't......

You'll be A-OK in no time. Pour a tall one, pack a big pipe and relax. The pressure is off for now, enjoy the time alone. Your "Prince" will show himself, don't worry about that!:king: 

 

[Sean68]

You have been offered some wonderful emotional advice here and your replies suggest an emotional maturity that will pull you through this quite well. I will not add more to that as I would just be repeating what these fine ladies and gentlemen have already said.

But I do think you should use the opportunity to self reflect. Sometimes we are so committed to a relationship that we forget to commit to ourselves. Now would be a good time to reach out to something new, or something old and long forgotten. Want to finish that college degree? No better time than now. Or learn an instrument and join a band. Most importantly?

Buy a motorcycle!

Really, you are a beautiful and interesting young woman. The eclectic folks that can be met while out riding and meeting other motorcyclists are a great source of friendships. I am sure you would be a fun addition to any riding group.

Enjoy life, young lady!

Sean

 

[Rob_In_MO]

Sorry, little Sister.  I really can't offer any advice here that hasn't already been given. Hang in there though, we're all pulling for you! 8) 

Just don't collapse in a moment of weakness and call him again.  Seen that happen too many times...

 

[Briarbabe]

You have been offered some wonderful emotional advice here and your replies suggest an emotional maturity that will pull you through this quite well. I will not add more to that as I would just be repeating what these fine ladies and gentlemen have already said.

But I do think you should use the opportunity to self reflect. Sometimes we are so committed to a relationship that we forget to commit to ourselves. Now would be a good time to reach out to something new, or something old and long forgotten. Want to finish that college degree? No better time than now. Or learn an instrument and join a band. Most importantly?

Buy a motorcycle!

Really, you are a beautiful and interesting young woman. The eclectic folks that can be met while out riding and meeting other motorcyclists are a great source of friendships. I am sure you would be a fun addition to any riding group.

Enjoy life, young lady!

Sean

I've got Ducati tastes and a...hell, no budget at all. :lol!: 
Thank you though, for your kind words, all of you. This little corner of the internet has provided a soothing balm to my heartache.

 

[Anonymous]

No nutting.  

The idea was a joke. I really didn't consider it a viable option. Saw you moving forward and might be ready. The fact of your willingness to maintain contact with the person will shorten the process.s You'll be surprised if this moves as quickly as it should as you've more on the healthy side than most.l

But, anger is likely to develop as part of the process. This is one of the stock looks at the process. They aren't nice and clean and a check list. You can bounce around in them forever it might seem. They even can mix completely on an off day. Just understand that its all "normal" and a process.

1-Denial-"this can't be happening to me", looking for the former spouse in familiar places, or if it is death, setting the table for the person or acting as if they are still in living there. No crying. Not accepting or even acknowledging the loss.

2-Anger-"why me?", feelings of wanting to fight back or get even with spouse of divorce, for death, anger at the deceased, blaming them for leaving.

3-Bargaining-bargaining often takes place before the loss. Attempting to make deals with the spouse who is leaving, or attempting to make deals with God to stop or change the loss. Begging, wishing, praying for them to come back.

4-Depression-overwhelming feelings of hopelessness, frustration, bitterness, self pity, mourning loss of person as well as the hopes, dreams and plans for the future. Feeling lack of control, feeling numb. Perhaps feeling suicidal.

5-Acceptance-there is a difference between resignation and acceptance. You have to accept the loss, not just try to bear it quietly. Realization that it takes two to make or break a marriage. Finding the good that can come out of the pain of loss, finding comfort and healing. The goals turn toward personal growth. Stay with fond memories of person.

 

[Briarbabe]

No nutting.  

The idea was a joke.  I really didn't consider it a viable option.  Saw you moving forward and might be ready.  The fact of your willingness to maintain contact with the person will shorten the process.s You'll be surprised if this moves as quickly as it should as you've more on the healthy side than most.l

But, anger is likely to develop as part of the process.  This is one of the stock looks at the process.  They aren't nice and clean and a check list.  You can bounce around in them forever it might seem.  They even can mix completely on an off day.  Just understand that its all "normal" and a process.

1-Denial-"this can't be happening to me", looking for the former spouse in familiar places, or if it is death, setting the table for the person or acting as if they are still in living there. No crying. Not accepting or even acknowledging the loss.

2-Anger-"why me?", feelings of wanting to fight back or get even with spouse of divorce, for death, anger at the deceased, blaming them for leaving.

3-Bargaining-bargaining often takes place before the loss. Attempting to make deals with the spouse who is leaving, or attempting to make deals with God to stop or change the loss. Begging, wishing, praying for them to come back.

4-Depression-overwhelming feelings of hopelessness, frustration, bitterness, self pity, mourning loss of person as well as the hopes, dreams and plans for the future. Feeling lack of control, feeling numb. Perhaps feeling suicidal.

5-Acceptance-there is a difference between resignation and acceptance. You have to accept the loss, not just try to bear it quietly. Realization that it takes two to make or break a marriage.  Finding the good that can come out of the pain of loss, finding comfort and healing. The goals turn toward personal growth. Stay with fond memories of person.

The five steps of grieving, very familiar with this.  Thanks for posting this here.  Good reminder of the process. And believe me, I have been bouncing all over these steps.

 

[Natch]

Unfornatly, my experience of "grieving" includes #6. Go to step #1. and start again!  :roll: 

I've had a few pains in my life, but to the heart is to most difficult to deal with, for me.  Enjoy your pipe and new friends, you'll do well.

Natch

 

[Briarbabe]

My stomach muscles are actually sore today from all of the crying I have been doing. I'm going to have a six pack from my break up.

 

[Brewdude]

Good advice noted here. Nothing I can add.

You'll land your feet girl. And be stronger all the more for it.

Cheers,

RR

PS

I'm no one to be issuing relationship advice. Doesn't work for me and I'm a bit cynical about it all. But don't let a curmudgeon like me influence YOU and what YOU need.