How to Become a Full Fledged Curmudgeon!

[Dutch]

I certainly don't mean to offend any of the members here who have previously reached curmudgeon status, buy suggesting that you need any help or advice on the matter. However, there are some members here who are on the cusp, and really just need a little fine tuning, to reach full curmudgeon status.

Here are a few helpful hints that will take you step by step, and allow you to be the curmudgeon you have always secretly wanted to be, but were too nervous about asking for tips from a real curmudgeon. ~




How to Become a Full Fledged Curmudgeon in 14 steps

Have you finally given up on becoming a sex god, movie star, billionaire or genius during your life? You may be ready to become a curmudgeon!

Curmudgeons are falsely believed to be grumpy old men, along the lines of Walter Matthau or Andy Rooney. The truth is we can be any gender or any age. Curmudgeons are supremely independent thinkers, very wise, and have excellent senses of humor!

1- Curmudgeons are not pleasers! You must not care about being popular or liked. If that matters to you, go to therapy!

2- Curmudgeons are not crabby - that is a myth. We tell the truth, and some people don't like that. Tell Junior what you really think of his writing. Tell Aunt Ida that she's got bad breath. Don't be mean about it, but don't try to make everything sound pretty!

3- Curmudgeons do not follow 'trends'! You must learn to think for yourself! If a popular media figure says something is great, you don't care for it. If most of the people around you like a TV show, gadget or movie, it makes you yawn. You may need to try forcing yourself not to like what's popular until you learn to think independently.

4- Curmudgeons do not shop! Find something else to do with your time, like go for walks, garden, or take up a craft (it does not need to be a good or useful craft - it's the process that counts).

5- Curmudgeons do not like new things. Poke around the attic, garage or basement until you find that old thing you used to use, rather than buy something new. Or borrow it!

6- Curmudgeons dress for comfort! Women - throw out those tight clothes, restrictive underwear (thongs), high heels and pantyhose. Men - throw out those white button down shirts, ties and belts (try suspenders). Wear things that feel good and let you breathe!

7- Curmudgeons do not care for the latest styles. Throw away your fashion magazines. We read fashion magazines to have a good laugh.

8- Curmudgeons do not go to fitness centers to exercise. If forced to go by your spouse, go when the crowds die down and do not wear spandex! Spend a lot of time in the steam room or sauna.

9- Curmudgeons go outside to exercise. Try golf, playing with the dog or puttering around the yard.

10- Curmudgeons tend to own pets. If you do not already have one, get a dog, cat or parrot (that you can teach to curse). Pets give you something to talk to when you upset the ones you love by being you.

11- Curmudgeons are not angry people. Never yell at anyone or say things to upset them. Stupidity has its own rewards. Hold your tongue and you won't be the stupid one.

12- Curmudgeons do not argue. Let people believe whatever stupidity they hold onto and just walk away.

13- Curmudgeons do like to tell good stories. Work up some good short stories that tell about interesting experiences you've had or people you've known. Learn how to time them so they are never boring or repetitive. An ironic twist at the end is helpful.

14- Curmudgeons have excellent senses of humor. Find the humor in at least 5 things you see every day. Smile or laugh and catch someone's eye to share the moment.

 

[Brewdude]

OK Dutch, that made me chuckle. Guess I may qualify.

I've been accused of being the brewery curmudgeon on numerous occasions!

:roll:


Cheers,

RR

 

[monbla256]

mmmmm! Sounds like how I became when I turned 30 !!! :twisted: :twisted:

 

[DireWolf]

12 of 14 ain't bad.

 

[DrumsAndBeer]

Man. I might have to print and frame this. I certainly fit the bill.

 

[MichaelM]

"Have you finally given up on becoming a sex god, movie star, billionaire or genius during your life?"
So my past achievements are going to prevent me from reaching full fledged curmudgendom???  

 

[ftrplt]

Dang near fits me to a "T!!" #4 especially!! I'd rather have a root canal w/o Novocain than go shopping :twisted: FTRPLT

 

[KevinM]

Nice list. I also rigorously practice #4. My aspirational curmudgeon is Bob Newhart. On his shows he was the guy who commented in a dry but not confrontational way on the people and events whirling around him. He rarely left more than a slight bruise on his cast members. And for a curmudgeon, he was always accompanied by a mighty fine example of the female persuasion.Suzanne Pleshette could qualify as a female curmudgeon, though somewhat sharp of speech and stylish of presentation Very close, though.

 

[RDPipes]

That sounds an awful lot like me Dutch but, it's not.
I'm an arse hole, there's a difference. and proud of it.

Could I teach someone to be one? No, no....ya have to be born with the gift.

 

[Dutch]

That sounds an awful lot like me Dutch but, it's not.
I'm an arse hole, there's a difference. and proud of it.

Could I teach someone to be one? No, no....ya have to be born with the gift.

So you're sayin' it's in the jeans then? :study:

 

[RDPipes]

That sounds an awful lot like me Dutch but, it's not.
I'm an arse hole, there's a difference. and proud of it.

Could I teach someone to be one? No, no....ya have to be born with the gift.

So you're sayin' it's in the jeans then? :study:

I reckon.........if ya don't wash them regularly.
I was just born with it and then worked hard to become the man I am now.

 

[mark]

Chillingly accurate.

 

[juanmedusa]

I'm assuming the shopping restriction excludes pipes and tobacco. :lol!:

 

[MichaelM]

I'm assuming the shopping restriction excludes pipes and tobacco. :lol!:

That's not shopping, its hunting :lol:

 

[juanmedusa]

I'm assuming the shopping restriction excludes pipes and tobacco. :lol!:

That's not shopping, its hunting :lol:

Understood and accepted.

 

[Dutch]

I'm assuming the shopping restriction excludes pipes and tobacco. :lol!:

That's not shopping, its hunting :lol:

Understood and accepted.

I'm pretty sure the shopping reference has to do with going to a mall or large department store, looking for a parking spot, fighting the crowds, waiting and waiting, and waiting for someone to try on numerous pieces of clothing and the purse and shoes to match.

Going down to your local tobacconist, browsing pipes and tobacco, and making an intelligent purchase is a far cry from the standard "shopping" experience.

 

[DireWolf]

I do not recall the last time I was in a mall or department type store.

:shudder:

 

[Fumus]

I do not recall the last time I was in a mall or department type store.

:shudder:

I understand that in order to protect itself, the mind will occasionally block out traumatic experiences. :afro:

 

[juanmedusa]

I'm assuming the shopping restriction excludes pipes and tobacco. :lol!:

That's not shopping, its hunting :lol:

Understood and accepted.

I'm pretty sure the shopping reference has to do with going to a mall or large department store, looking for a parking spot, fighting the crowds, waiting and waiting, and waiting for someone to try on numerous pieces of clothing and the purse and shoes to match.

Going down to your local tobacconist, browsing pipes and tobacco, and making an intelligent purchase is a far cry from the standard "shopping" experience.

Good news because there's going to be a Baldo Baldi and L'anatra trunk show near my house next weekend.

 

[DireWolf]

I do not recall the last time I was in a mall or department type store.

:shudder:

I understand that in order to protect itself, the mind will occasionally block out traumatic experiences.   :afro:

Luckily my wife is also a curmudgeon.