I hate cancer

[Briarbabe]

I've mentioned in a couple places around here that my mother has been battling colon cancer that spread to her liver for two years now. It's actually closer to two and a half. She was doing well, chemo took out the colon cancer almost immediately and was gradually bringing the cancer that had spread to her liver down as well. The ultimate goal was surgery.

Well, two months ago she started acupuncture to help relieve the side effects from her chemo. I've read a couple of scientific studies that show patients getting relief from doing so. Well, within a matter of two weeks she decided after doing "a lot" of "research" that she was going to stop her chemo and switch to a vegan diet, continue with the acupuncture, and start taking Iscador shots to cure her cancer. I was dumb founded. I asked what studies/medical journals she had researched and I was given names of blogs and crazy websites about people curing their cancer with juice diets. I don't agree with this course of action at all, but I can't say a thing. From the reading I have done all of the things she's doing work really well in tandem with chemotherapy, but don't do much on their own. It's her body, it's her health, it's her choice. I am frustrated and angry that I will most likely lose my mother much sooner than I should. I get so angry that she even has cancer and ultimately that there is nothing I can do. Either she will get better or she will die. I am even more frustrated with family and friends who are literally cheering her on to her death with their support of this. I, as usual, being the black sheep of the family, am left standing back just in awe. Reason has completely left the building.

All of this has dredged up some of the darker sides of my relationship with my mother, leaving a lot of resentment to deal with. She and I have never been particularly close. She's jealous of the relationship that I have with my daughter, because she and I are very close. All in all this is making it very hard for me to go home to visit. I am frustrated and angry and heart broken. I know that I should be spending more time with her if this is the beginning of the end, it's so hard to do. My stepdad whom I love and who has been nothing but a wonderful dad to me over the years, seems to enjoy attacking me when I do come home. It's always about politics or religion because he knows that he and I have nearly polar opposite beliefs. I refuse to rise to the bait and engage in an argument and the past couple of times I've gone home I've just walked out of the room when he starts in. I know he's angry. He's watching his wife go through all of this and who can blame him. He's not the type who would join a support group or seek out therapy so I do understand where this is coming from, I'm just tired of being his target all the time. Again, this just makes it harder to go home and visit.

I waffle back and forth between quiet rage and crying so hard that I can't stop. It hits me out of nowhere. My daughter and I visited a Christmas shop this past Sunday and I stood among all the beautifully decorated Christmas trees thinking how much my mom would love this place, and how I've begged her to come down and visit our family for the holidays over the past 7 years that we've lived here and I wondered if she'd ever get to see it. My daughter and I walked around with tears in our eyes the whole time. Two weeks ago my daughter got her braces off and to celebrate my mom sent us money to get sushi. We ate our sushi and watched a favorite movie of ours that reminds us of our family. At the end of the movie the mom dies of breast cancer, I've watched it since my mom's diagnosis, but this time it just hit us both. My daughter and I sat on the living room floor holding each other sobbing. She finally went to bed around 10:30 while I stayed up until 1:00 crying so hard I couldn't stop. I called a very dear friend who kept me company until I was feeling better. I have a wonderful network of friends down here that are more like family.

I love my mom very much and I don't want to lose her so early. I'm scared.  

On top of which my Dad called me last week to tell me my favorite Aunt had been diagnosed with terminal pancreatic cancer and had roughly 1-2 weeks to live. She passed away this Sunday. Due to work schedules and what not I will not be able to go home to attend her funeral.

I ******* hate cancer.

ETA: Over all, I feel quite happy with my life. I am at peace with some decisions I've made about myself and how I choose to live and the path I have set my foot too lately. I wish I could find some peace concerning my mother.

 

[Fr_Tom]

I hate cancer too.

PM sent...

 

[Mr. Doody]

cancer sucks :-(

good luck to your mom, and sorry for your loss.

F U C K
CANCER

when he was 10yo, my son was diagnosed with leukemia in a fairly advanced stage. it's been a bitch of a battle, but all signs look good now, three years later. he's still in treatment, but we're counting down to the end (july 2014).

doody.

 

[smg913]

i wish you and everyone that has our is going through this happiness and peace.

 

[the rev]

So very sorry. My wife lost her mother to cancer when she was 12. The biggest reason? because she didn't get treatment, she was trusting God to heal her. When she died my wife's father not only lost his wife but blamed himself because he "didn't have enough faith". This is really ****** up ****. The alternative medicine stuff is like a religion of its own. Its ugly ****. Very very sorry you are going through all this, wish I could cook you and you daughter dinner.

If you ever need someone to talk to feel free to PM me, I can listen

john

 

[monbla256]

It's obvious you love your mother dearly. Hold on to that love as much as you can. It will eventually pay off for you both. Given all the circumstances I know it is hard, but it WILL be worth it if you can.

 

[Tate]

It would be nice if life were a schedule that you could set and know how long it is going to last and when to say goodbye, but we never really know. I sure hope your mom pulls through and things get alright.

I lost my mother very suddenly to a heart attack. She was only 53. I lost my grandmother (though she was 85) to a very sudden heart attack. At 85 she was in great health and walked a mile every day. So you never know when that separation is coming.

Tell the people you love that you love them every day. We'll be pulling for you.

 

[Brewdude]

Very distressing to hear this BB.

One of my favorite Uncles developed brain cancer, and decided to suspend chemo in favor of some offbeat "natural" treatment. He didn't last a year, but how far he would have gone on with chemo is not clear. His choice, our loss.  

My sincere well wishes for your Mom and your family in this trying time.


Cheers,

RR

 

[DrT999]

Best of luck in dealing with all the stress, BB, and feel free to vent some of it here! We're pretty good listeners

 

[Briarbabe]

So very sorry.  My wife lost her mother to cancer when she was 12.  The biggest reason?  because she didn't get treatment, she was trusting God to heal her.  When she died my wife's father not only lost his wife but blamed himself because he "didn't have enough faith".  This is really ****** up ****.  The alternative medicine stuff is like a religion of its own.  Its ugly ****.  Very very sorry you are going through all this, wish I could cook you and you daughter dinner.

If you ever need someone to talk to feel free to PM me, I can listen

john

I grew up in the evangelical church. I am now an atheist, and the only one in my family. Standing back and watching all this is overwhelming. I really can't say anything. I just have to be supportive of my mom's decision, even knowing that she's basically signed her own death certificate.

 

[Jers]

Just reading your post for the first time BB. I'm so sorry to read what you are going through. I wish I could do something to help other than empathise.

Feel free to pm me for a chat anytime (I'm in a radically different time zone and suffer insomnia).

Fraternally

Jers

 

[alfredo_buscatti]

The only control we have is choosing which thoughts we will entertain. Actually, that is quite a bit of control because everything proceeds from the mental plane. Attitude is all. In this situation I think my work would reduce to letting go of any anger and fear that I felt; they are both primarily destructive. Conversely foster the loving connection that you have for her.

But then there is the gruesome fact of cancer and her deterioration and inevitable demise. Watching the physical decline of a loved one is very hard work. But if you could work along the lines of accepting her decline, of her body passing out of life in the same way that you welcome the birth of a child, this might help. Life is both birth and death; these opposites attest to the same phenomena, life, in both its coming and going, in its presence and absence.

I also congratulate you on your tears. I have only really cried two or three times since childhood. Paradoxically tears are strength.

Please let us know if you need something.

 

[PozzSka]

I'm sorry to hear all of this...and, I know there isn't much one can say...

I lost my father to pancreatic cancer when I was 15, I'm also an atheist in a quite religious family.

PM me if you want to talk.

Love your family, that's all you can do

 

[Centurian 803]

There are some things which cannot be understood, they must just be accepted. My step-father refused treatment for his lung cancer and had a little over a year of feeling pretty good followed by just over a week of increasing pain and quietly slipping away. I have seen others go the route of chemo only to extend their misery for months on end. You are right. It's your Mom's decision and you must support her regardless of how you feel.
Please take what comfort you may from knowing that so many people here on BoB love you and want you to get through this. As some of the others have said, feel free to pm anytime you like.

 

[Briarbabe]

Thank you my brothers, I can't tell you how much your support, kind words, and love mean to me.  I have really been spending a good deal of time talking with good friends and you folks here in an effort to really understand my feelings and process my anger and frustration. It helps. A lot. I reached out tentatively to mom via email and said I was very scared and that I wanted to talk to her sometime soon. Her reply was that she too was scared now and then, but she was positive that God hadn't brought her this far just to dump her alongside the road. She made comments about how she knows I've given up on my faith, but that God hasn't given up on me.

This is especially hard as I know she would be struggling to understand why I left the church even if the cancer were not an issue. It's impossible to explain to someone who believe's in the teapot out in space that it's not that I gave up, I just came to a conscious conclusion that there is no tea pot! She still believes that I'm mad at God for giving her cancer.(No mom, you got colon cancer because our family has a genetic predisposition for colon cancer and you chose not to get your first colonoscopy until after you were diagnosed with colon cancer. Get your colonoscopy people!) No, I walked away from a set of beliefs and organized religion because I don't believe in them, not because I'm mad at someone. The very idea seems childish to me. I have always, my entire life, had very serious doubts about the validity of many of the claims made in the religion I was raised. I spent my entire childhood and early adulthood searching for answers that would lay those doubts to rest. The answers I was given only made less sense to me than the original explanation. As an adult, growing ever more frustrated with the misogyny and terrible hate I was seeing more and more around me in a religion that preached peace and love, I decided to stop asking my pastors for answers and decided to find them for myself. That's when I walked away. I've tried to explain my reasoning to her many times, but she fails to grasp because she is not open to hear them.

I am afraid of the days ahead. I know my mother, I know how strong her faith is and I am happy she has it, it has been instrumental in her doing as well as she has. However, I know as she gets sicker and closer to her own death, she's going to worry more about my no longer being a Christian. I'm not looking forward to the pleas for me to come back to the church. I'm already on every prayer chain within her reach. I don't want to lie to my mother, I don't want to make any promises I can't keep, and at the same time I don't want to cause her more pain, suffering, and worry than she's already going through.

It's been two months since she stopped her chemo, already her liver enzymes are up, the inflammation is coming back along with the pain, she's getting fevers again. All the things that tipped her doctor off two and a half years ago when her diagnosis was made. The colon cancer is gone, now it's just the cancer that has spread to the liver. Liver cancer mortality numbers have been burned into my brain since that first Google after her diagnosis. I know. I've known for two and a half years, I've just not wanted to accept. I think it's finally sinking in now. I'm going to lose my mommy. That woman who constantly told me, "That's not how a lady behaves.", but who never bothered to ask if I wanted to be a lady in the first place. That woman who drives me insane, but in the end who I can't do without because I love her so much, who I can't do without because she drives me nuts. She's my mom. And she's going to die. And I know that we all die, and death is never fair, but until now, it's never visited my door this closely. And the part that is the most unfair is I have to stand here, knowing she's going to die and smile and pretend to cheer her on with the rest of our family and her friends as she "fights".

 

[PozzSka]

I know that feeling, sister...I've gotten it here, too. I had to explain to my mother that I'm not an atheist because dad died. It was an intellectual decision, as opposed to an emotional one. My mom has accepted that, I think, as she realizes that I'm a good dad, husband, community member, etc.

Understanding the patterns and process of grieving may help you. You'll be in denial, angry, etc. and that's OK and normal. You being mad and upset and sad and confused and any other feeling you have means you are a normal person (sort of :roll: ) and you love your mom. We can see that, hopefully she can as well.

I don't know your mom, but it may be appropriate to say, when she brings up your lack of faith, "Mom, I'm here to spend time with you, not be preached to. I'm here to support you in your life decision/conclusion, even though I don't agree. Would you please give me the same respect?" (perhaps in different words, depends on how she would take that request)

Also, keep in mind, she knows what's happening, whether she says it aloud or not.

Keep your chin up as best you can and stay strong for your kids. My mom was a trooper when my dad died, and we noticed and could emulate that.

You're a lady in our eyes, one of the good ones.

(I'm not sure what else to say, but we're here to talk, listen, laugh, smoke with you if necessary.)

 

[huffelpuff]

BB so sorry to hear this news! Quite a few of us have been down similar paths and we are definitely here for you! I wish you the strength and courage you need to deal with this.

Best wishes
Jim

 

[Briarbabe]

I'll tell you one thing. I'm so glad I have the soothing comfort of my pipes through this. I can puff and think or I can puff and completely zone out. It's instrumental in my sanity these days.

 

[Brewdude]

I'll tell you one thing. I'm so glad I have the soothing comfort of my pipes through this. I can puff and think or I can puff and completely zone out. It's instrumental in my sanity these days.

Ya, it helps. I get it.


Cheers,

RR

 

[DrumsAndBeer]

I am really sorry to hear about your mom BB. What you're going through can't be easy. Please know that you always have folks here with a wide array of life experiences that are a good sounding boards to talk to.

Hang in there.