Well just when you think it’s safe to come out….
This afternoon…not 24 hours after the devastating strike that left FOB Oak Creek a smoking ruin the air raid sirens announced another strike. Dog and I found ourselves at a complete loss for anything resembling shelter so we took cover under a honey-wagon parked outside the smoldering enlisted club. After the all clear was sounded we searched the area for clues to who had initiated such an utterly unwarranted attack. Among the evidence of this newest and most unconscionable atrocity were:
50 grams Orlick Dark Strong Kentucky
1 oz each Spiced Rum, English Luxury, Vanilla Creme, Optimum
Universal Tamper
50 grams Balkan Flake
50 Grams Sutlif R-Blend Smoking Mixture,
1 oz Nightcap
Small clay cutty pipe
1 pkg Pork Rind pellets
Upon reporting this to the Lieutenant (still comfortably sipping wine from the box she had me requisition earlier), she immediately recognized the severity of our plight and ordered a scouting mission to the local village to see if any stray rounds had hit any critical infrastructure such as the liquor store, florist, or local grocery. I was also encouraged to take careful note of which stores had Cabernet on sale and to appropriate another box with all speed - as Pork Rinds and Scotch sounded like a volatile mix to her. I’ve never met another woman in my career who wore those bars with such authority!
I will send word if anymore unexploded ordinance is found or any further unprovoked attacks occur. In the mean time I urge my fellow briar smokers to sleep with one eye open…
To BoB High Command:
No casualties to report - stop.
Asset losses vastly overstated (although scotch stores are decimated) - stop.
Base still in ruins, but morale vastly improved by additional tobacco rations - stop.
Worried Lieutenant spending too much time in the larder, please advise - full stop.
