Tobacco hating spouse, urban living arrangements…

[RDPipes]

However, my humble opinion is that your S. O. should be somebody that you should care for, and love means sacrifice. Bearing each other's burdens is part of the marriage. The less "ME" there is in a relationship, the better.

And that goes for them also, tit for tat. If they love there man they'll stay off his fricken back and quit trying to Hen Peck him to death. Do they want a Man or Mouse? Most want
to control nowadays and have there way. I'm not saying I don't compromise, I do gladly.
I just don't do demands and nor do I give them.

 

[user 2031]

...all three of my ex wives...

That's really all that needed saying. Everything after that is pretty much irrelevant. [/quote]

Do you always make ASSUMPTIONS without facts ?[/quote]

Plain and simple. You have two guys on this thread that I know for a fact have had successful marriages, each one, to one woman for over 30 years. Then we have you, married to three different women, by your own admission, who you claim to be ex's... so we can safely presume that death was not the reason those marriages ended. So whether it was your fault or their fault, the fact remains that they ended in divorce. Am I right?

I just would prefer to take advice from someone who has shown how it is done successfully, whether that is in marriage or a myriad of other things.

 

[beardedbassguy]

Wow, this topic is going towards Alpha Male and "Pater Familias" discussion. And while it get's hotter, I'd like to elaborate my previous post.

I agree that today's society encourages individualism, and men these days are forced to make compromises more than they should normally, but still, there is no recipe since every relationship is unique as persons are unique and one of a kind. What works for me doesn't necessarily apply to you and vice versa.

However, my humble opinion is that your S. O. should be somebody that you should care for, and love means sacrifice. Bearing each other's burdens is part of the marriage. The less "ME" there is in a relationship, the better.

Mr. Churchill may disagree, but if your wife doesn't like the smell of your cigar, throw the cigar, not the wife. The life has meaning only when you have SOMEBODY to live for, and not SOMETHING to live for. Pipe smoking may be awesome, but not something worth living for.

Post of the year right here.

 

[monbla256]

...all three of my ex wives...

That's really all that needed saying. Everything after that is pretty much irrelevant.

Do you always make ASSUMPTIONS without facts ?[/quote]

Plain and simple. You have two guys on this thread that I know for a fact have had successful marriages, each one, to one woman for over 30 years. Then we have you, married to three different women, by your own admission, who you claim to be ex's... so we can safely presume that death was not the reason those marriages ended. So whether it was your fault or their fault, the fact remains that they ended in divorce. Am I right?

I just would prefer to take advice from someone who has shown how it is done successfully, whether that is in marriage or a myriad of other things.



[/quote]

Like I said, ASSUMPTIONS and OPINIONS, NOT FACTS>

 

[Kyle Weiss]

There are personal facts that are surrogate opinions.

Love first. Compromise when appropriate. Communicate at all costs. Don't be an assh*le.

Relationship 101--or don't be in one.

8)

 

[idbowman]

I think there has to be a compromise, somewhere.  There HAS to be.  That's what marriages are (or ought to be, IMHO) founded on.  What that means in your case specifically, I can't say.  I won't say the answer is a nice simple, tidy one.  I just shudder at the general suggestion that all of the change and accommodation comes on your end.  Less of me, more of us?  Yes, absolutely.  But I don't think one person (either person) should have to make all of the concessions.

Easier said than done I understand.  Just my $.02.

 

[idbowman]

I just would prefer to take advice from someone who has shown how it is done successfully, whether that is in marriage or a myriad of other things.

I'm probably stepping into a minefield I have no business being in, buuuuuut:

Failure can be just as educational as success. One needn't succeed at a thing to take valuable experience from it; on the other hand, succeeding at a thing doesn't guarantee an understanding of WHY you succeeded.

As I see it, experience can be valuable or worthless, irrespective of the end result. It's all relative.

 

[user 2031]

I just would prefer to take advice from someone who has shown how it is done successfully, whether that is in marriage or a myriad of other things.

I'm probably stepping into a minefield I have no business being in, buuuuuut:

Failure can be just as educational as success.  One needn't succeed at a thing to take valuable experience from it; on the other hand, succeeding at a thing doesn't guarantee an understanding of WHY you succeeded.

As I see it, experience can be valuable or worthless, irrespective of the end result.  It's all relative.

Nah, I'm out of it. If you had seen the "unedited version" of this conversation it would be easier to understand. Looking at the way it reads now, heck, I think I look like the bad guy.

From now on, I will be sure to quote the whole post before it gets changed. But, I'm cool. Whatever. :lol:

ADDED: Look at the first part of Balkan Boy's response...

Wow, this topic is going towards Alpha Male and "Pater Familias" discussion. And while it get's hotter, I'd like to elaborate my previous post.

there was a good reason he responded like this, but that part of the thread is no longer there.

 

[Psmith]

Hey Bentbulldog,

I think I can pipe in here because it sounds like you and I are married to the same woman. We live in Korea which means unless you are living in the countryside, you are urban living. We live in an apartment that is reasonably large by Korean standards but would be considered a shoe-box in North America. And just like you I have a 4 year old at home.
My solution was a relatively simple one. I just gave up trying to smoke in the evening and began walking to work in the morning. That way I can just enjoyably smoke a bowlful and have a nice 30-40 minute walk every morning. Of course I would love to end my day with a nice pipeful of Nightcap or something but it's not going to happen so I make the best of it.
As for switching my pipe-smoking to the morning, it comes with many benefits.
1) Exercise. As I stroll to work in the morning I am guaranteed 40 minutes of fresh air, exercise and peace of mind.
2) Peace. You mentioned smoking in your car and getting called up sometimes. Not in the morning...nobody is up or cares about me at that time. Strolling along on my walking route, nothing is going to interrupt me. Its just me, my pipe and the birds.
3) A better reason to wake up. Who looks forward to waking up in the morning to go to work? No one. But who looks forward to waking up and smoking a bowl of Escudo, EMP or Full Virgina Flake? Me! It inspires me to go to bed early...it gets me out of bed earlier in the morning.
4) Harmony. A harmonious marriage relies on eliminating conflict. Having a 4 year old in the house means an unbreakable nighttime routine of feeding them, washing them, putting them to bed. Trying to steal away to smoke a pipe during those hours is just inviting conflict so why go there? Since smoking in the morning there is way less conflict between my wife and I concerning smoking and that is cool with me. After all who can enjoy a bowl of 965 after you just scrapped with your wife? Ruins the flavor.

That's my story. As I write this it is 7:10am in Korea and I am the first at work enjoying the lingering taste of Peterson's Perfect Plug, listening to music and drinking tea. A fine way to start any day. But you drive to work? Easy. Just park a 30 minutes walk away and plan a walking route. Then, enjoy another bowl at the end of your day. Enrich your day.

Hope my story can be helpful. Good luck in the house hunt Bentbulldog!

 

[Bullwinkle]

I just would prefer to take advice from someone who has shown how it is done successfully, whether that is in marriage or a myriad of other things.

I'm probably stepping into a minefield I have no business being in, buuuuuut:

Failure can be just as educational as success.  One needn't succeed at a thing to take valuable experience from it; on the other hand, succeeding at a thing doesn't guarantee an understanding of WHY you succeeded.

As I see it, experience can be valuable or worthless, irrespective of the end result.  It's all relative.

someone must be a slow learner to have burned through 3 wives before learning their lesson. if they have.

btw, was she this fanatical about you not smoking before your daughter arrived?

2) Peace. You mentioned smoking in your car and getting called up sometimes. Not in the morning...nobody is up or cares about me at that time. Strolling along on my walking route, nothing is going to interrupt me. Its just me, my pipe and the birds.

OP, if you really want to smoke undisturbed and when and where you want being married with a 4yo ain't the way to do it  even if you don't know it you have more important things.  what does your wife do in the evening for an hour undistributed?

I grew up in a house where both parents averaged over 2 packs of Lucky Strikes a day each. in HS I could barely run a mile. leap forward I'm drafted and first time I am truly smoke free and I doing the mile in a hair over 6 minutes.

 

[Psmith]

OP, if you really want to smoke undisturbed and when and where you want being married with a 4yo ain't the way to do it even if you don't know it you have more important things. what does your wife do in the evening for an hour undistributed?

Well...actually what I want is to enjoy being married, enjoy fatherhood and enjoy a pipe. I have found a way to do all three without really trading one for the other. I think Bentbull dog is trying to do the same so that is why he asked some pipesmoking brothers for their thoughts.

My wife doesn't do anything undistributed (umm...undisturbed) for an hour in the evening, hence the conflict that would arise if I was to do so. That's why I take my hour in the morning.

 

[Richard Burley]

Can't you just vent a room, somehow? I live in an apartment (now). Pipe smoking doesn't cause any problems, but a cigar will do a number on the atmosphere. I just turn on the bathroom vent when cigar smoking, and that seems to work rather well, probably because the desk where I smoke is close by. For someone a bit more fastidious, a more sophisticated apparatus seems called for. Good luck trying to find a terrace apartment that's a bargain in Queens.

 

[Kyle Weiss]

Good luck trying to find a terrace apartment that's a bargain in Queens.

Probably get five years in prison for even attempting/daring to smoke in such a place, anyway. :lol:

8)

 

[Bullwinkle]

OP, if you really want to smoke undisturbed and when and where you want being married with a 4yo ain't the way to do it  even if you don't know it you have more important things.  what does your wife do in the evening for an hour undistributed?

Well...actually what I want is to enjoy being married, enjoy fatherhood and enjoy a pipe.  I have found a way to do all three without really trading one for the other.  I think Bentbull dog is trying to do the same so that is why he asked some pipesmoking brothers for their thoughts.

My wife doesn't do anything undistributed (umm...undisturbed) for an hour in the evening, hence the conflict that would arise if I was to do so.  That's why I take my hour in the morning.

the response was for the OP.. sounds like you have figured it out.

 

[riff raff]

Yep, sounds like he has worked out the best solution for his current circumstances. When you don't have as many opportunities, those smokes are savored.

OP, if you really want to smoke undisturbed and when and where you want being married with a 4yo ain't the way to do it  even if you don't know it you have more important things.  what does your wife do in the evening for an hour undistributed?

Well...actually what I want is to enjoy being married, enjoy fatherhood and enjoy a pipe.  I have found a way to do all three without really trading one for the other.  I think Bentbull dog is trying to do the same so that is why he asked some pipesmoking brothers for their thoughts.

My wife doesn't do anything undistributed (umm...undisturbed) for an hour in the evening, hence the conflict that would arise if I was to do so.  That's why I take my hour in the morning.

the response was for the OP..  sounds like you have figured it out.

 

[Old Nate]

My wife hates everything about tobacco. She asked me, very seriously, the other day if I would stop smoking for her and our son... "Why do I need to do something that is completely secluded from the two people that I love the most in this world?" She asked. In a way, she's right. When I smoke my pipe in the evening, I lose at least an hour with them, and I hate that. So, I smoke on the deck if they're not home, or when I take the dog for a walk, or on my way to work, maybe home from work... No, I don't get as much enjoyment out of smoking in the car, but I do get a feeling that no pipe can replace when I pick up my son, and kiss my wife after a lousy day at work.

I understand your frustration, Charles. Especially since you are so crammed for space in the city, it can make a simple thing like an afternoon pipe feel rushed and maybe mechanical, instead of relaxing and satisfying. Like so many people have said, it's about finding that compromise. If you have to, build yourself a little smoking paradise when you buy that new house. Remember to show your wife that she and your daughter are the reasons you do what you do... plus, by doing this you'll probably smoke less, therefore, really enjoying the moments you do get with your pipe, and I think the wife would appreciate seeing you set your wishes aside like that. I've only been married a short while, and I have OH SO MUCH TO LEARN, but it is apparent, that what I want (while important in its own right) needs to come second to what my wife, son, and family want and need of me.

Those are my thoughts,

Nathan

 

[balkan_boy]

.... No, I don't get as much enjoyment out of smoking in the car....

If you put it that way, maybe not. You get distracted and you don't contemplate over the smoke properly, and armchair by the fireplace would probably be the better choice, but if you put it the other way around, smoking in the car can be pretty awesome.

When I was living an hour away from my office, I absolutely enjoyed smoking in the car. It turns the rush hour into peaceful and jolly ride. Now I'm about 2 minutes away, so I don't smoke in the car anymore. But when I'm stuck in the traffic jam, the most calming thing to do is to smoke a pipe. When you had a lousy day, and whatever could go wrong went wrong, a pipe on the way home changes your inner world completely.  Of course you have to open the window, but in the summer it works perfectly.
A pipe on the way home, and you arrive all shiny and stress free to your family.

 

[KevinM]

"Bent" gave me a renewed sense of gratitude for my own house with my own deck, where I sit watching a gentle snowfall on my own trees in my own backyard, out of sight of prying neighbors as I peacefully puff a briar. Yes, my missus will sometimes call through the slider, "You're not smoking, are you?" And I reply, "Of course not, dear." My only suggestion for someone caught in this maelstrom of social pressure and role conflict is to keep an eye peeled for likely smoking spots in the (shudder) urban neighborhood. I still do this, and often spot well-placed public benches, little clusters of tree, semi-scenic parking spots. . .

At some risk, I tentatively mention that, in "The Wife of Bath's Tale," Chaucer answerered the query that stumped Freud -- "What do women want?" The answer is "Governance over the male." But they are (can be) gentle governesses, and will usually be content if you just seem to comply. And with a four-year-old, she'll probably have little energy for minding you, so maybe a workable solution will appear. Good luck.

 

[Feazelle-n-it]

My wife doesn't hate my smoking but she's not going to make it easy on me either. I have a two year old son, so smoking in the house was never a question in my mind. Even when the wind is up and the temps are down (like last night). I also smoke after my wife and son go to bed. After 11 years in the Navy, if I get more than 6 hours of sleep I feel like crap the next day. So going to bed after midnight is preferable for me anyway. My wife and son are usually in bed before 10 so that gives me a decent time frame to smoke. All my wife asks is that I shower and brush my teeth before climbing into bed (my usual routine anyway). Maybe an arrangement like this could work for you too.

 

[skaukatt]

I hear you loud and clear.  I live in an apartment in Queens.  I am very fortunate to have a wife who tolerates without complaining, my indoor pipe smoking and supports my love of the hobby, she's a saint!  I limit it to the living room where I sit just inside a terrace door, which I open for ventilation and blow a fan in the direction of the outside.  I am fortunate to have a terrace just off my living room where, in the warmer seasons I am able to sit outside and smoke.  In the winter or when it the temperatures are cold like they are now, or when it is inclement, I sit just inside the door and crack it open and blow the fan in my direction which blows the smoke outside.  There is still an issue, however...

The issue is that my upstairs neighbor has complained to the landlord about the smell of my pipe smoke, which still lingers in the house - it disturbs his right to quiet enjoyment.  The landlord has asked me to help him out as he does not want to have to enforce a smoke free home policy, thankfully.

So, I am in a state of adjustment in the sense that I have just shelled out $300 for an air purifier, a solution that I only have half confidence in in fixing the issue.  It has not arrived yet so I have no results as to what it can do for me in my situation.  It is on the top 10 list of purifiers and seems to be the best bang for the buck but when it comes to cleaning smoke, it's tough to mitigate that smell.  Of course you can spend $500, $600 and up on a more robust purifier but I am not about to do that nor is it financially a viable option for me.  So I bought what I could afford and that has a pretty decent good review record according to all of my research.  (It's a Whirlpool Whispure 510, BTW, with the addition of scented air freshener attachments from Filter Fast that attach to the pre-filter supposedly.) - my fingers are crossed but there are many opinions/reviews as to the effectiveness or lack thereof, of the unit.

I am hoping that coupled with positioning the fan, my seat and cracking open the door the new unit will clean out enough remaining smoke that the issue can resolve favorably.  Indeed, to own your own home gives you much greater control over what you can and cannot do and hear complaints about it.  I'm trying my best to enjoy my pipe and keep things amenable to all.  We'll see how that goes...