Todays chuckle

[Natch]

Q: If someone from the 1950s suddenly appeared, what would be the most difficult thing to explain to them about life today?

A: I possess a device, in my pocket, that is capable of accessing the entirety of information known to man. I use it to look at cat videos and get in arguments with strangers.

 

[Donk93953]

I'm glad I learned all about parallelograms in high school instead of how to do my taxes. It comes in so handy during parallelogram season.

Did you know that on the Canary Islands there is not one canary? And on the Virgin Isles - not one canary there either!






Cheers,

RR

Canary Islands got their name from the Romans.....It is Latin for dog...canaria....the Romans called the plentiful sea lions on the island "sea dogs"...still liked the joke

 

[Blackhorse]

Right…

 

[Natch]

Two of my favorite GIFs. I especially relate to the racoon, as I spent many nights on snowy, dark roads in the upper Great Lakes, and everything from deer to bear to skunks would bold out of the shadows. The window sticker I saw on one of my representative's car in D.C.

 

[Blackhorse]

I like the Jackie Chan version of Lady Liberty.

“Ya want summa this, tough guy?”

 

[Brewdude]

What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts??????

Beer nuts cost $1.89, deer nuts are under a buck!


Cheers,

RR

 

[Natch]

Come on friends, you all must know some bad jokes to share or some non-political memes. Trot them out here. I need cheering up just about every day.
Dog memes:

 

[Natch]

OK, if you insist. A couple more dog memes: (the last one is titled The Value of Patience and Wisdom.

 

[Brewdude]

Yup. I wouldn't disturb the skunk either!




Cheers,

RR

 

[Brewdude]

A bunch of men were sitting around the playing poker.

"I win!" said Harry.

Joe threw down his cards, "That's it! I've had it! Harry is cheating!!!"

"How can you tell?" Phillip asked.

"Those aren't the cards I dealt him!"




Cheers,

RR

 

[Natch]

Put your hands in the air...and a corn maze I like.

 

[Brewdude]

Garage Door

The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper was down and his fly area wide open.

His assistant walked up to him and said,

'This morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?'

The boss told her he knew he'd closed the garage door, and walked into his office puzzled by the question.



As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and zipped it up.

He then understood his assistant's question about his 'garage door'



He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask, 'When my garage door was open, did you see my Jaguar parked in there?'



She smiled and said, 'No, I didn't. All I saw was an old minivan with two flat tires..

---

​

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says:

'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?'



Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'

'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'



'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'

---

​

A senior citizen

said to his eighty-year old buddy:

'So I hear you're getting married?'



'Yep!'

'Do I know her?

'Nope!'

'This woman, is she good looking?'

'Not really.'

'Is she a good cook?'

'Naw, she can't cook too well.'

'Does she have lots of money?'

'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'

'Well, then, is she good in bed?'

'I don't know.'

'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'

'Because she can still drive!'

---

​

Three old guys

are out walking.

First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'

Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'

Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer..'

---

​

A man was telling his neighbor, 'I just bought a new hearing aid.

It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art.. It's perfect.'

'Really,' answered the neighbor . 'What kind is it?'

' Twelve thirty..'

---

​

Morris , an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.

A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.

A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'

Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''

The doctor said, 'I didn't say that.. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'

---

​

One more. . ..!

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.

After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.

The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'

'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis'





Cheers,

RR

 

[Brewdude]

Groaners!

1. The meaning of opaque is unclear
2. I wasn't going to get a brain transplant but then I changed my mind.
3. Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It's very time consuming
4. A man tried to assault me with milk, cream and butter. How dairy!
5. I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down.
6. If there was someone selling marijuana in our neighborhood, weed know about it.
7. It's a lengthy article about ancient Japanese sword fighters but I can Sumurais it for you.
9. So what if I don't know the meaning of the word apocalypse? It's not the end of the world.
10. Police were called to the daycare center. A 3-year old was resisting a rest.
11. The other day I held the door open for a clown. I thought it was a nice jester.
12. Need an ark to save two of every animal? I Noah guy
13. Alternative facts are aversion of the truth.
14. I used to have a fear of hurdles, but I got over it.
15. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
16. Did you know they won't be making yardsticks any longer?
17. I used to be allergic to soap but I'm clean now.
18. The patron saint of poverty is St. Nickeless.
19. What did the man say when the bridge fell on him? The suspension is killing me.
20. Do you have weight loss mantras? Fat chants!
21. My tailor is happy to make a new pair of pants for me. Or sew it seams.
22. What is a thesaurus's favorite dessert? Synonym buns.
23. A relief map shows where the restrooms are.
24. There was a big paddle sale at the boat store. It was quite an oar deal.
25. How do they figure out the price of hammers? Per pound.



Cheers,

RR

 

[Brewdude]

A guy comes into a coffee shop and places his order: "I want three flat tires and a pair of headlights."

The waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, goes to the kitchen and asks the cook, "This guy out there just ordered three flat tires and a pair of headlights. What does he think, this is an auto parts store?!"

"No," the cook says. "Three flat tires means three pancakes and a pair of headlights is two eggs sunny side up."

"Oh," says the waitress. She thinks about this and then she spoons up a bowl of beans and gives it to the customer.

The guy says, "What are the beans for?"

The waitress replies, "I thought that, while you're waiting for the flat tires and headlights, you might want to gas up."




Cheers,

RR

 

[Brewdude]

My uncle spent $250,000 on a new limousine and later found out the price does not include a driver, To think he spent all that money and has nothing to chauffeur it.......

A large passenger plane is on its way across the Atlantic. It flies consistently at 800 km/h at 35,000 feet, when suddenly an F-22 Raptor appears. The pilot of the fighter jet slows down, flies alongside the Airbus and greets the pilot of the passenger plane by radio: "Airbus flight, a boring flight isn't it? Take care and have a look here!"

He rolls his jet on its back, accelerates, breaks through the sound barrier, rises rapidly to a dizzying height, only to swoop down almost to sea level in a breathtaking dive. He loops back next to the plane and asks, "Well, how was that?"

The airplane pilot answers: "Very impressive, but now have a look here!"

The jet pilot watches the plane, but nothing happens. It continues to fly stubbornly straight, with the same speed. After five minutes, the plane pilot radioed, "Well, what are you saying now?"

The jet pilot asks confused: "What did you do?"

The other laughs and says, "I got up, stretched my legs, went to the back of the flight to the bathroom, got a cup of coffee and a cinnamon cake."

>>Today's Thot

Greg went to the toy store and asked the assistant where the Schwarzenegger dolls are and he replied, "Aisle B, back."




Cheers,

RR

 

[Brewdude]

The seven-year-old told her mom that a little boy in her class asked her to play doctor.

"Oh,dear," the mother nervously sighed. "What happened, honey?"

"Nothing, he made me wait 45 minutes and then double-billed the insurance company."





Cheers,

RR

 

[Brewdude]

SOME THINGS TO PONDER AS WE AGE



The inventor of the treadmill died at the age of 54

The inventor of gymnastics died at the age of 57

The world bodybuilding champion died at the age of 41

The best soccer player in the world, Maradona, died at the age of 60


And then..


KFC inventor died at 94

Inventor of Nutella brand died at the age of 88

Cigarette maker Winston died at the age of 102

The inventor of opium died at the age of 116 - in an earthquake

Hennessy cognac, Irish inventor died at 98



How did doctors come to the conclusion that exercise prolongs life?

The rabbit is always jumping, but it lives for only 2 years. The turtle that doesn't exercise at all, lives 400 years.

So …Have a drink ...Take a nap ...


And


IF you wake up, have bacon and eggs!





Cheers,

RR

 

[Sherlock]

Now having bacon and eggs with less guilt.

 

[Brewdude]

Some Punny Ones

1. Dad, are we pyromaniacs? Yes, we arson.

2. What do you call a pig with laryngitis? Disgruntled.

3. Writing my name in cursive is my signature move.

4. Why do bees stay in their hives during winter? Swarm.

5. If you’re bad at haggling, you’ll end up paying the price.

6. Just so everyone’s clear, I’m going to put my glasses on.

7. A commander walks into a bar and orders everyone around.

8. I lost my job as a stage designer. I left without making a scene.

9. Never buy flowers from a monk. Only you can prevent florist friars.

10. How much did the pirate pay to get his ears pierced? A buccaneer.

11. I once worked at a cheap pizza shop to get by. I kneaded the dough.

12. My friends and I have named our band ‘Duvet’. It’s a cover band.

13. I lost my girlfriend’s audiobook, and now I’ll never hear the end of it.

14. Why is ‘dark’ spelled with a k and not c? Because you can’t see in the dark.

15. Why is it unwise to share your secrets with a clock? Well, time will tell.

16. When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, they gave me a blank stare.

17. Bono and The Edge walk into a Dublin bar and the bartender says, “Oh no, not U2 again.”

18. Prison is just one word to you, but for some people, it’s a whole sentence.

19. Scientists got together to study the effects of alcohol on a person’s walk, and the result was staggering.

20. I’m trying to organize a hide and seek tournament, but good players are really hard to find.

21. I got over my addiction to chocolate, marshmallows, and nuts. I won’t lie, it was a rocky road.

22. What do you say to comfort a friend who’s struggling with grammar? There, their, they’re.

23. I went to the toy store and asked the assistant where the Schwarznegger dolls are and he replied, “Aisle B, back.”

24. What did the surgeon say to the patient who insisted on closing up their own incision? Suture self.

25. I’ve started telling everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes. It’s all about raisin awareness.






Cheers,

RR

 

[D.L.Ruth]

Got this from some website:

A circus owner ran an ad for a lion tamer, and two young people showed up.​

One was a good-looking lad in his mid-twenties, and the other was a gorgeous blonde about the same age. … …​

The circus owner told them,​

“I’m not going to sugarcoat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer, so you guys better be good or you’re history. Here’s your equipment: chair, whip, and a gun. Who wants to try out first?”​

The girl said, “I’ll go first.”​

She walked past the chair, the whip, and the gun and stepped right into the lion’s cage.​

The lion started to snarl and pant and began to charge her.​

About halfway there, she threw open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body.​

The lion stopped dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawled up to her, and started licking her ankles.​

He continued to lick her calves, kissed them, and then rested his head at her feet.​

The circus owner’s mouth was on the floor.​

He said, “I’ve never seen a display like that in my life.”​

He then turned to the young man and asked, “Can you top that?”​

The young man replied,​

“No problem, just get that lion out of the way.”​