Todays chuckle

[peanubutter]

Thanks for the clarification. At the restaurant we didn't mush them but did add mint, or basil, or a bit of orange zest to add some variety. The favorite seemed to be bacon and onion though.

 

[DrT999]

Green glop = smashed peas? No idea other than that.

Aye, looks like mushy peas ta me as well!

 

[ftrplt]

Yep, mushy peas!! Always have a few servings when visiting our English relatives in the Mother Country!! :cheers: FTRPLT

 

[Brewdude]

An elderly man in the Northern Territory of Australia, had owned a large property for several years.

He had a dam in one of the lower paddocks where he had planted mango and avocado trees. The dam had been fixed up for swimming when it was built and he also had some picnic tables placed there in the shade of the fruit trees.

One evening the elderly farmer decided to go down to the dam to look it over, as he hadn't been there for a while. He grabbed a ten liter bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the dam, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.
As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his dam.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

The old man replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the dam water naked."

Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the crocodile."

Moral: Old folks may walk slow, but they can still think fast.


Cheers,

RR

 

[Corncobcon]

:lol!: :lol!:

Yup! There might be snow on the mountain, but there is still a fire down below!

 

[Brewdude]

QUIZ: Reading them slowly may help.


1. Johnny's mother had three children. The first child was named April. The second child was named May. What was the third child's name?

Answer: Johnny, of course

2. There is a clerk at the butcher shop, he is five feet ten inches tall, and he wears size 13 sneakers. What does he weigh?

Answer: Meat.

3. Before Mt. Everest was discovered, what was the highest mountain in the world?

Answer: Mt. Everest

4. How much dirt is there in a hole that measures two feet by three feet by four feet?

Answer: There is no dirt in a hole.

5. What word in the English language is always spelled incorrectly?

Answer: Incorrectly

6. Billy was born on December 28th, yet her birthday is always in the summer. How is this possible?

Answer: Billy lives in the Southern Hemisphere

7. In California, you cannot take a picture of a man with a wooden leg. Why not?

Answer: You can't take pictures with a wooden leg. You need a camera to take pictures.

8. If you were running a race and you passed the person in 2nd place, what place would you be in now?

Answer: You would be in 2nd.

10. Which is correct to say, "The yolk of the egg are white" or "The yolk of the egg is white"?

Answer: Neither, the yolk of the egg is yellow.

11. If a farmer has 5 haystacks in one field and 4 haystacks in the other field, how many haystacks would he have if he combined them all in another field?

Answer: One. If he combines all of his haystacks, they all become one big stack.


:fpalm:



Cheers,

RR

 

[Corncobcon]

:clown:


Oh, go smoke your pipe!

 

[Brewdude]

On the subject of being absent minded:

Lying around, pondering the problems of the world:


If walking is good for your health, the mailman would be immortal.

A whale swims all day, only eats fish, and drinks water, but is still fat.

A rabbit runs and hops, and lives 15 years,

A tortoise doesn't run or do anything, yet it lives for 150 years.

And they tell us to exercise?  I don't think so.


Now that I'm older, here's what I've discovered:


1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

2. My wild oats are mostly enjoyed with prunes and all-bran.

3. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

4. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

5. If all is not lost, then where is it?

6. It was a whole lot easier to get older, than it was to get wiser.

7. Some days, you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant.

8. I wish the buck really did stop here; I sure could use a few of them.

9. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.

10. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.

11. It is hard to make a comeback; when you haven't been anywhere.

12. The world only beats a path to your door; when you're in the bathroom.

13. If God wanted me to touch my toes; he'd have put them on my knees.

14. When I'm finally holding all the right cards; everyone wants to play chess.

15. It is not hard to meet expenses.  They're everywhere.

16. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

17. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter.
I go somewhere to get something, and then wonder what I'm "here after".

18. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

19. It is a lot better to be seen than viewed.

20. Have I sent this message to you before: or did I get it from you?


:lol!:


Cheers,

RR

 

[Brewdude]

Life is too short for fake butter, Cheese or People.


A recent study found out that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.


I meant to behave, but there were too many other options.



Some study showed people that celebrate birthdays tend to live longer.



When a woman says "Fine" to me… I just go ahead and clear my calendar for the next couple of hours so we can figure out what's not fine.


I will remove the duct tape as soon as you are willing to tell me I'm pretty.



I know you're upset. Why don't you post something passive aggressive on your Facebook status and not explain the situation to anyone? That Usually Helps.



Common Sense is a flower that doesn't grow in everyone's garden.



A pretty face gets old. A nice body will change. But a good woman will always be a good woman.



People who say they sleep like babies usually don't have them.



What do you call a dinosaur with a extensive vocabulary? A Thesaurus.



The first 40 years of childhood are always the hardest.



I can never run away from my problems, because my main problems are procrastination & laziness.



There is a fine line between hoping your kids will stay with you forever and wanting to sell them to the next passing Circus.



It's been one of those "I can no longer be held responsible for my actions" kind of days.



When you see my head tilt to the right and I start to stare into space, I would RUN! The voices inside my head gave me a brilliant idea. Be very Afraid!



If Pigs could fly imagine how good their wings would taste.



Never ask a woman eating ice cream straight from the carton if she is OK.



I've learned so much from my mistakes I'm thinking of making a few more.



I wonder what my parents did do fight boredom before the internet… I asked my 17 brothers and sisters and they didn't know either.



I've expanded my skills. I can now forget what I'm doing while I'm actually doing it.



Someone left a piece of chocolate cake in the fridge with a sign that said "Don't eat this". Now there is a empty plate with a sign that says "Don't tell me what to do "



I just found out I have IBES. Irritable Because of Everything Syndrome.



I hit a turkey and it flew over my car and landed on the car behind me. It was a Cop. He pulled me over and gave me a ticket for "Flipping" him the Bird.



My Wife just opened the car door for me. It would have been a nice gesture if we hadn't been going 70 miles a hour.



If you look close enough, that High Horse some people are riding is actually a Donkey!



I picked up a Hitchhiker last night. He seemed surprised that I'd pick up a stranger and asked " Thanks, but why would you pick me up? How do you know I'm not a serial killer?" I told him the chances of two serial killers being in the one car are astronomical.



Did you know on the Canary Islands There is not one Canary? And on the Virgin Isles? Same Thing - Not one Canary There.



I send flowers "From Steve" to my neighbors wife every Friday Night, then watch them fight from my living room windows eating popcorn.



Out of all my body parts my eyeballs are in the best shape because I roll them like 342 times a day.



Research shows laughing for 2 min is just as healthy as a 20 min jog. So, now I'm sitting in the park laughing at the joggers.



It takes real skill to Choke on air, fall up stairs, and trip over completely nothing. I have that skill.



One Big difference between men and women is that when Women say "Smell This!" it usually smells nice.



OMG, I'm Rich!! Silver in my hair, Gold in my teeth, crystals in the Kidneys, sugar in the blood, Lead in the Butt, Iron in the Blood and a inexhaustible supply of natural gas. I never though I would accumulate such wealth!



Technically If you don't cut a cake and eat the whole thing with a fork, you still only had one piece.



:sunny:


Cheers,

RR

 

[Brewdude]

And now, for something completely different....

<iframe width="560" height="315" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/h3_Hqej6kyA" frameborder="0" loading="lazy" allowfullscreen ></iframe>



Cheers,

RR

 

[D.L.Ruth]

That was great, i love banjo music. It's pretty amazing the talent that some people have

 

[user 2027]

.

 

[DrT999]

listed on deduction as 'misc. school supplies'

 

[Brewdude]

LEGITIMATE QUESTIONS FOR SENIORS

Question: How many days in a week?
Answer: 6 Saturdays, 1 Sunday

Question: When is a retiree's bedtime?
Answer: Two hours after he falls asleep on the couch.

Question: What's the biggest gripe of retirees?
Answer: There is not enough time to get everything done.

Question: Why don't retirees mind being called Seniors?
Answer: The term comes with a 10% discount.

Question: What is the common term for someone who enjoys work and refuses to retire?
Answer: NUTS!

Question: Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or garage?
Answer: They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there.



:cherry:


Cheers,

RR

 

[Corncobcon]

I'd like to read your questions for seniors, but I can't find my glasses. Oh, nevermind, I found them. They were on my head! :roll: :lol:

 

[Brewdude]

A person calls a pet store: "Send me thirty-thousand cockroaches, at once."
Astonished clerk: "What in the world do you want with thirty-thousand cockroaches?"
Caller: "I'm moving out today, and my lease says I must leave the premises in exactly the same condition I found them."


:albino:


Cheers,

RR

 

[RetLEO-07]

*edited by management due to content*

 

[Brewdude]

Now that I'm older -


1. My goal for 2019 was to lose 10 pounds. Only have 14 to go.

2. Ate salad for dinner.  Mostly croutons & tomatoes. Really just one big round crouton covered with tomato sauce. And cheese. FINE, it was a pizza.... OK, I ate a pizza!; are you happy now?

3. I just did a week's worth of cardio after walking into a spider web.

4. I don't mean to brag, but I finished my 14-day diet food supply in 3 hours and 20 minutes.

5. A recent study has found women who carry a little extra weight live longer than men who mention it.

6. Kids today don't know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.

7. Senility has been a smooth transition for me.

8. Remember back when we were kids and every time it was below zero outside they closed school? Yeah, Me neither.

9. I may not be that funny or athletic or good looking or smart or talented. I forgot where I was going with this.

10. I love being almost 76, I learn something new every day and forget 5 others.

11. A thief broke into my house last night. He started searching for money so I woke up and searched with him.

12. I think I'll just put an "Out of Order" sticker on my forehead and call it a day.

13. November 3, 2019 marked the end of Daylight Saving Time. Hope you didn't forget to set your bathroom scale back 10  pounds on Saturday night.

14. Just remember, once you're over the hill you begin to pick up speed.




Cheers,

RR

 

[Corncobcon]

3. I just did a week's worth of cardio after walking into a spider web.

It happens every time I walk out on the patio! :lol!:

 

[peanubutter]

Those are too relatable and yet hilarious.