Todays chuckle

[Brewdude]

Grandpa and the IRS Auditor


The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office. The auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, Which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable."

"I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Grandpa. "How about a demonstration?"

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, "Okay. Go ahead."

Grandpa says, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye."

The auditor thinks a moment and says, "It's a bet."

Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.

Grandpa says, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye."

Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet. Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

"Want to go double or nothing?" Grandpa asks. "I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between."

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he ends up urinating all over the auditor's desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

"Are you okay?" the auditor asks.

"Not really," says the attorney. "This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!"


:joker:


Cheers,

RR

 

[Brewdude]

A 77-year-old man is having a drink in a Chicago bar. Suddenly a gorgeous girl enters and sits down a few seats away. The girl is so attractive that he just can't take his eyes off her. After a short while, the girl notices him staring, and approaches him.

Before the man has time to apologize, the girl looks him deep in the eyes and says to him in a sultry tone: "I'll do anything you'd like.  Anything you can imagine in your wildest dreams, it doesn't matter how extreme or unusual it is, I'm game.  I want $100, and there's another condition".

Completely stunned by the sudden turn of events, the man asks her what her condition is "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words.  The man takes a moment to consider the offer from the beautiful woman.

He whips out his wallet and puts $100 dollars in her hand ---He then looks her square in the eyes, and says slowly and clearly: "Paint my house."

(Our needs change as we get older)




Cheers,

RR

 

[BriarBeagle]

A 77-year-old man is having a drink in a Chicago bar. Suddenly a gorgeous girl enters and sits down a few seats away. The girl is so attractive that he just can't take his eyes off her. After a short while, the girl notices him staring, and approaches him.

Before the man has time to apologize, the girl looks him deep in the eyes and says to him in a sultry tone: "I'll do anything you'd like.  Anything you can imagine in your wildest dreams, it doesn't matter how extreme or unusual it is, I'm game.  I want $100, and there's another condition".

Completely stunned by the sudden turn of events, the man asks her what her condition is "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words.  The man takes a moment to consider the offer from the beautiful woman.

He whips out his wallet and puts $100 dollars in her hand ---He then looks her square in the eyes, and says slowly and clearly: "Paint my house."

(Our needs change as we get older)




Cheers,

RR

:lol: :lol: :lol:

 

[Brewdude]

CRUMPLED MONEY


While enjoying their evening cocktails, the wife asks her husband, in a very seductive voice, "Have you ever seen Twenty Dollars all crumpled up?" "No," said her husband.

She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top 3 or 4 buttons of her blouse, and slowly reached down into the cleavage created by a soft, silky push-up bra, and pulled out a crumpled Twenty Dollar bill.

He took the crumpled Twenty Dollar bill from her and smiled approvingly.

She then asked him, "Have you ever seen Fifty Dollars all crumpled up?”

"Uh... no, I haven't," he said, with an anxious tone in his voice

She gave him another sexy little smile, pulled up her skirt, and seductively reached into her tight, sheer panties... and pulled out a crumpled Fifty Dollar bill.

He took the crumpled Fifty Dollar bill and started breathing a little quicker with anticipation.
                               
"Now," she said, "have you ever seen $50,000 Dollars all crumpled up?”

He said, "No!," trying to hide his anticipation.

She said, "Check the garage."


:bom:


Cheers,

RR

 

[Brewdude]

Another medical breakthrough!

A couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.

Upon their arrival, the doctor said that the hospital was testing an amazing new high-tech machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the baby's father.

He asked if they were interested.  Both said they were very much in favor of it.

The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before.

But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch.

The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer.  The husband was still feeling fine.  The doctor then checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing.

At this point they decided to try for 50%.  The husband continued to feel quite well.

Since the pain transfer was obviously helping the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.

The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain and the husband continued to experience no pain.  She and her husband were ecstatic.

When they got home they found the mailman dead on the porch.


:joker:


Cheers,

RR

 

[Brewdude]

Just read that 4,153,237 people got married last year.  Not
to cause any trouble, but shouldn't that be an even number?

Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation
towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they would eventually find me attractive.

I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you.

When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their body... men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.

A recent study has found that woman who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.

Relationships are a lot like algebra.  Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?

America is a country which produces citizens who will cross the ocean to fight for democracy but won't cross the street to vote.

You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone?  That's your common sense leaving your body.

Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?

My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance.  We'll see about that.

I think my neighbor is stalking me as she's been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.

Money talks ...but all mine ever says is good-bye.

You're not fat….you're just easier to see.

If you think nobody cares whether you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.

I always wondered what the job application is like at Hooters.  Do they just give you a bra and say, “Here,
fill this out?”

I can’t understand why women are okay that JC Penny has an older women’s clothing line named “Sag Harbor.”

My therapist said that my narcissism causes me to misread social situations. I’m pretty sure she was hitting on me.

My 60-year Kindergarten reunion is coming up soon and I’m worried about the 175 pounds I’ve gained since then.

The pharmacist asked me my birth date again today. I’m pretty sure she’s going to get me something.

On average, an American man will have *** two to three times a week.  Whereas, a Japanese man will have *** only one or two times a year.  This is very upsetting news to me. I had no idea I was Japanese.

The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from your house you can be in a robe before you start looking like a mental patient.

I think it's pretty cool how Chinese people made a language entirely out of tattoos.

Money can’t buy happiness, but it keeps the kids in touch!

The reason Mayberry was so peaceful and quiet was because nobody was married. Think of this: Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard, Goober, Gomer, Sam, Earnest T Bass, Helen, Thelma Lou, Clara and, of course, Opie were all single. The only married person was Otis, and he was always drunk!


:joker:


Cheers,

RR

 

[BriarBeagle]

<img class="emojione" alt="?" title=":joy:" src="https://cdn.jsdelivr.net/emojione/assets/png/1f602.png?v=2.2.7"/>

Sent from Topic'it App

 

[Brewdude]

As I get older I realize-


#1  -  I talk to myself, because there are times I need expert advice  

#2  -  I consider "In Style" to be the clothes that still fit.  

#3  -  I don't need anger management.  I need people to stop pissing me off.  

#4  -  My people skills are just fine. It's my tolerance for idiots that needs work.  

#5  -  The biggest lie I tell myself is, "I don't need to write that down.  I'll remember it."  

#6  -  I have days when my life is just a tent away from a circus.  

#7  -  These days, "on time" is when I get there.  

#8  -  Even duct tape can't fix stupid - but it sure does muffle the sound.  

#9  -  Wouldn't it be wonderful if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes, then come out wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller?  

#10  -  Lately, I've noticed people my age are so much older than me.  

#11  -  "Getting lucky" means walking into  a room and remembering why I'm there.  

#12  -  When I was a child, I thought nap time was punishment.  Now it feels like a mini vacation.  

#13  -  Some days I have no idea what I'm doing out of bed.  

#14  -  I thought growing old would take longer  

#15  -  Aging sure has slowed me down, but it hasn't shut me up.  

#16  -  I still haven't learned to act my age.

:albino:


Cheers,

RR

 

[DrT999]

As I get older I realize-


#16  -  I still haven't learned to act my age.

That's hard to do when my age keeps changing! :drunken:

 

[Brewdude]

I had it all -


I talked with a homeless man this morning and asked him how he ended up this way.

He said, "Up until last week, I still had it all. I had plenty to eat, my clothes were washed and pressed,

I had a roof over my head, I had HDTV and Internet, and I went to the gym, the pool, and the library.

"I was working on my MBA on-line. I had no bills and no debt. I even had full medical coverage.”

I felt sorry for him, so I asked, "What happened? Drugs? Alcohol? Divorce?”

"Oh no, nothing like that," he said. "No, no.... I was paroled."





Cheers,

RR

 

[BriarBeagle]

<img class="emojione" alt="?" title=":joy:" src="https://cdn.jsdelivr.net/emojione/assets/png/1f602.png?v=2.2.7"/>

Sent from Topic'it App

 

[Brewdude]

PUNS FOR EDUCATED MINDS

A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.

No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.


D'OH!

:fpalm:


Cheers,

RR

 

[Brewdude]

A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says,' I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir.'

The driver says, 'Gee, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60; perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating. ' Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: 'Now don't be silly, dear -- you know that this car doesn't have cruise control.'

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls,
Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once !! ?' The wife smiles demurely and says, 'Well dear you should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did or your speed would have been higher.'

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, 'Woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?'

The officer frowns and says, 'And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine.'

The driver says, 'Yeah, well, you see, officer, I had it on, but I took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket.'
The wife says, 'Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving.'

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket, the driver turns to his wife and barks, 'WILL YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??' The officer looks over at the woman and asks, 'Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?'

(I love this part)

'Only when he's been drinking.!!'


:bom:


Cheers,

RR

 

[Brewdude]

Life lessons in baseball


At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 9-year-old baseball players aside and asked, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?"

"Yes, coach", replied the little boy. "
   
Do you understand that what matters is whether we win or lose together as a team?"
   
The little boy nodded in the affirmative.
   
"So," the coach continued, "I'm sure you know, when an out is called, you shouldn't argue, curse the umpire, or call him an *******. Do you understand all that?"
   
Again, the little boy nodded in the affirmative.
   
The coach continued, "And when I take you out of the game so that another boy gets a chance to play, it's not a dumb-*** decision or that the coach is a ******** is it?"
   
"No, coach."
   
"Good", said the coach. "Now go over there and explain all that to your grandmother.”





Cheers,

RR

 

[Corncobcon]

Life lessons in baseball


At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 9-year-old baseball players aside and asked, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?"

"Yes, coach", replied the little boy. "
   
Do you understand that what matters is whether we win or lose together as a team?"
   
The little boy nodded in the affirmative.
   
"So," the coach continued, "I'm sure you know, when an out is called, you shouldn't argue, curse the umpire, or call him an *******. Do you understand all that?"
   
Again, the little boy nodded in the affirmative.
   
The coach continued, "And when I take you out of the game so that another boy gets a chance to play, it's not a dumb-*** decision or that the coach is a ******** is it?"
   
"No, coach."
   
"Good", said the coach. "Now go over there and explain all that to your grandmother.”





Cheers,

RR

That last line explains why after many years of coaching baseball I finally quit coaching!!! :affraid: :lol!:

 

[hobie1dog]

I have been enjoying this thread.

 

[Ozark Wizard]

As have I! :cheers:

 

[Brewdude]

Once upon a time, long ago, there lived a sailor named Captain Bravo. He was a manly man's man, who showed no fear when facing his enemies.

One day, while sailing the Seven Seas, his lookout spotted a pirate ship, and the crew became frantic.

Captain Bravo bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt!" The first mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, and while wearing the brightly colored frock, the Captain led his crew into battle and defeated the pirates.

That evening, all the men sat around on the deck recounting the day's triumph. One of them asked the Captain, "Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before battle?"

The captain replied, "If I am wounded in the attack, the shirt will not show my blood. Thus, you men will continue to fight, unafraid."

All of the men sat in and marveled at the courage of such a manly man's man.

As dawn came the next morning, the lookout spotted not one, not two, but TEN pirate ships approaching. The crew stared in worshipful silence at the captain and waited for his usual orders.

Captain Bravo gazed with steely eyes upon the vast armada arrayed against his ship, and without fear, turned and calmly shouted, "Get me my brown pants!"

irate:


Cheers,

RR

 

[Brewdude]

LEXIPHILIA - WHO ON EARTH DREAMS THESE UP? A lexophile, of course! (A lover of words, especially in word games, puzzles, anagrams, etc.)
 
Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!
 
How does Moses make tea? Hebrews it.
 
England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.

They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Typo.
 
I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.
 
Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
 
I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.
 
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.
 
This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.
 
When chemists die, they barium.
 
I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.
 
Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.
 
I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
 
Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?
 
When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
 
Broken pencils are pointless.  

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
 
I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
 
Velcro - what a rip off!
 
Don't worry about old age; it doesn't last.


:fpalm:


Cheers,

RR

 

[Brewdude]

THESE ARE "ACTUAL" QUOTES TAKEN FROM AUSTRALIAN FEDERAL GOVERNMENT EMPLOYEE PERFORMANCE EVALUATIONS.
                   

1. "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock-bottom and has started to dig."
                   
2. "I would not allow this employee to breed."‎
                   
3. "This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won't be."
                   
4. "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."
                   
5. "When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet."
                   
6. "He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle."
                   
7. "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."
                   
8. "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."
                   
9)."This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an *****."
                   
10. "This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better."
                   
11. "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together."
                   
12. "A gross ignoramus...144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."
                   
13. "He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier."
                   
14. "I would like to go hunting with him sometime."
                   
15. "He's been working with glue too much."
                   
16. "He would argue with a signpost."
                   
17. "He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room."
                   
18. "When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."
                   
19. "If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one."
                   
20. "A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."
                   
21. "A prime candidate for natural de-selection."
                   
22. "Donated his brain to science before he was through using it."
                   
23. "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train ain't coming."
                   
24. "He's got two brains, one is lost and the other is out looking for it."
                   
25. "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week."
                   
26. "If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."

27. "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean."
                   
28. "It's hard to believe he beat off 1,000,000 other sperm."

29. "One neuron short of a synapse."
                   
30. "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled."
                   
31. "Takes him 2 hours to watch '60 minutes'.


:rabbit:


Cheers,

RR