So I printed this thread out and took it down to O'Mally's pub to show it to Sean and Liam. Of course, Sean had to read it to Liam, which took a while with Sean's one good eye still mostly swollen shut from his third fight at his daughter's wedding, so I'm posting kinda late. We discussed your predicament and decided to let you in on a little wisdom, Kyle, since you're obviously too thick-skulled to figure it out for yourself. (Liam's words, not mine)
Simply put, you're smoking it all wrong. In order to be a TRUE Pete smoker, you must learn to embrace all the charms you see as "design flaws" and sing the praises of Dublin briar to any lace-curtain ninny who dares to smoke something else. Get it through your head that the allmighty System works exactly as God intended, whether or not your pipe was meant to have it. The varnish on the upper mid-range pipes is the perfect thickness. The carbon treatment in the bowls makes for just the right number of "break-in seasons". And the green stain on the Christmas pipes will come back to it's glory when our Lord returns. Why do you think they're called Christmas pipes, anyway. The ONLY item open for debate is the P-lip. This debate, by the way, is a welcome occasion for a polite fistfight, but only with your father or mother. Lacking these, your priest is an acceptable substitute, or if Protestant, your mailman. (He's probably your father anyway.) This is all covered in greater detail in the Peterson catalog.
So quit your sissy whining, have a pint, and smoke that pipe like one of us...
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