that's something my grandpa would've said...

[bruins]

All I can remember is "Shut up and keep mowing!! Damned kid!"

God I loved that man :lol:

ah! that's the best right there. that's awesome.

(sorry for all the multiple posts, as you can tell, i'm a day late catching up to all this great stuff.)

 

[bruins]

A few favorites:

If I had a broom up my @$$ I'd a' swept eighty acres!

i'm not sure what that means, but it's hilarious. does it mean you're old, or you've been on a long journey, or you like to dance, or your ass itches? maybe it's more fun not to know.

 

[bruins]

You are so slow that I had to hold up a finger to make sure you were movin'!

lots of good ones beebiz. this one's my favorite. for sure i'm going to use it. i live in a house with three women. i spend half my life waiting by the front door.

i better stop posting on this thread for awhile. Nice joke falconer. 2 bucks! ha! (rutting has started. i can hear the bucks in the woods in the morning. they sound like dinosaurs.)

 

[acaciavet]

My Granfather was a great man and he was a salty man.

He would say
"He is as useless as tits on a bore hog"

" Its colder then a well diggers back side"


Cheers all
Chuck

 

[beebiz]

That reminds me, Chuck... "It's colder than a witches tit in a brass bra, in a snow drift, in the Klondike, in the middle of winter!" Now... that's cold!!!

"You know how to keep an idiot in suspense?" .......... "I'll tell you later!"

"Boy... you're so dang bright... I'd bet your pappy called you son/sun!"

"If they rolled your brain down the sharp edge of a razor blade, it would look like a BB rolling down an eight lane highway!"

"You may have a memory like an elephant... but, it's as about as accurate as a busted clock!"

"You ladies move so slow that I'd bet you'll be late for your own funerals!"

"She's finer than a frog hair split four ways... couldn't get no better if she had to... couldn't stand it if she did!"

"She's prettier than a pig in shit!"

"Around here... I'm top hog at this trough!"



I love these!!! You gentlemen have done a fantastic job!!!!!

Robert

 

[bruins]

i can't believe i forgot to include my father-in-law's most beautiful, lyrical utterance. it went immediately into the hall of fame. so we were sitting at a wedding reception, and a pretty woman walked by. he watched her walk on past and he turned to me and said:

"As long as i have a face, she has a place to sit."

god damn, that was funny. i love that guy.

 

[beebiz]

Oh my word, Bruins! You just had to go there, didn't you? :lol!:

In response to a woman's insult that a man's penis is too small, "I'm sorry, sweetheart. But, it is impossible to expect one, single star to fill the void of an entire galaxy!" Or, "It's impossible for a single bolder to plug the grand canyon!"

"When it comes to sex, that girl's like a doorknob... everyone's taken a turn!"

 

[Falconer]

Straight as an Oklahoma Preacher.

Flat as a Kansas county.

Sharp as a Keen Kutter.

 

[Hermit]

On the HBO show Treme'
John Goodman's character
was fond of saying:
"Cooler than a cucumber up an Archbishop's ass."

 

[happypipester]

Lol, I'm loving this thread more and more every time I check it.

Actually, my grandpa used to say that. He was a farmer as soon as he could milk a cow and ride a horse (his dad preferred to hunt and drink, usually not at the same time lol), and the homestead was about 80 acres, so if he had a broom up his a$$ he woulda swept 80 acres lol.

 

[jhuggett]

My step grandfather was an ornery old SOB but without fail at gatherings he would always toast at the table. For years he would simply hold up his glass and say a single word that everyone assumed was some type of German or Russian salute. It wasn't until I was older that I asked him what it was that he was saying. His response...

"Garage Key"

He laughed his ass off when he told me.

 

[bruins]

My step grandfather was an ornery old SOB but without fail at gatherings he would always toast at the table. For years he would simply hold up his glass and say a single word that everyone assumed was some type of German or Russian salute. It wasn't until I was older that I asked him what it was that he was saying. His response...

"Garage Key"

He laughed his ass off when he told me.

it's about time you weighed in on this! before he told you what it meant, did you have some grandiose notion of what it was?

 

[Anonymous]

I've worked with a few people with memorable quotes.
A former supervisor I worked for had several regular ones, like "Just do it perfect or better"
and "That's slicker'n a snotty marble".
A former co-worker used to say "That's hotter'n a two dollar pistol".

 

[Falconer]

My grandad would often refer to Kansas weather as "reasonably uncomfortable"

 

[jhuggett]

Bruins, as a child I really didn't give it much thought. Like a lot of sayings you grow up with, you just understand their meaning but they really don't make any sense. Apparently most people didn't either because they would usually just respond the same, some might ask him to say it again so they could get it right. I think it was just out of respect because he was usually pretty grumpy and it was a sign of warmth from him. I actually felt pretty proud that he told me the truth about a joke he had been playing on people for as long as I could remember.

 

[Smokin' Blues]

Colder than a well-diggers ass
Cleaner than a hounds tooth
Dull as a froe
Longer than a night in jail
Making more noise than a jack-ass in a tin barn
If it was raining soup, I'd be caught outside with a fork
Tighter than Dick's Hatband
Grinning like a possum eating persimmon seeds/saw briars
squawlin like a mashed cat -- Must be a Kentucky thing :scratch:

 

[beebiz]

Colder than a well-diggers ass
Cleaner than a hounds tooth
Dull as a froe
Longer than a night in jail
Making more noise than a jack-ass in a tin barn
If it was raining soup, I'd be caught outside with a fork
Tighter than Dick's Hatband
Grinning like a possum eating persimmon seeds/saw briars
squawlin like a mashed cat -- Must be a Kentucky thing :scratch:

Nope, NS... it's not just a Kentucky thing. I'm a Tennessee boy! And, I've heard and frequently used each and every one of those... in addition to "grinning like a mule eating briars," and "poor as old Job's turkey!" But, I think most Kentuckians and Tennesseans are cousins... at minimum!!

 

[Lupulus]

My grandfather (a rancher his entire life) had a few good ones:

"Wow, you're about as graceful as a dump truck." (usually after one of us grandkids tripped and spilled a bucket of feed or dropped a bale of hay)

"You're about as sharp as a marble, aint'cha?"

"Put a marble in your ear and it will roll around like it was in a tin bucket."

 

[Anonymous]

Reminds me,
What does the Starship Enterprise have in common with toilet paper???
They both circumnavigate planet Uranus searching for Clingons!!!

well hell, if we're going to go there: what did they find in the toilet of the Starship Enterprise? the captain's log!

(that used to be fun to tell kids. now they don't know what you're talking about.)

:lol!: :lol!: you win Bruins!!!!

 

[Centurian 803]

Nervous as a whore in church.
Hotter'n the hinges of hell.
Dumber'n a box of rocks.
When seeing someone with something you'ld like to have: If I had that and he had a feather up his ass, we'd both be tickled!