that's something my grandpa would've said...

[Anonymous]

Not sure if anyone's posted these:
"If, if's and's and but's were candy and nuts we'd all have a merry christmas."
Of course who hasent heard "it's colder then a witch's tit".

 

[Anonymous]

As thick as pig shit!

 

[Nitschke066]

Oh my word, Bruins! You just had to go there, didn't you? :lol!:

In response to a woman's insult that a man's penis is too small, "I'm sorry, sweetheart. But, it is impossible to expect one, single star to fill the void of an entire galaxy!" Or, "It's impossible for a single bolder to plug the grand canyon!"

"When it comes to sex, that girl's like a doorknob... everyone's taken a turn!"

Even a 747 looks small when flown into the Grand Canyon :lol:

 

[Anonymous]

Oh my word, Bruins! You just had to go there, didn't you? :lol!:

In response to a woman's insult that a man's penis is too small, "I'm sorry, sweetheart. But, it is impossible to expect one, single star to fill the void of an entire galaxy!" Or, "It's impossible for a single bolder to plug the grand canyon!"

"When it comes to sex, that girl's like a doorknob... everyone's taken a turn!"

Even a 747 looks small when flown into the Grand Canyon :lol:

:lol!:

 

[Anonymous]

My brother has some good ones. When someone would state their height he would say "I didn't know they could stack shit that high." And when someone would talk about trying to loose weight he would say "I know how you can loose ten pounds of ugly fat,,,,(pause for effect),,,,cut off your head!".
Then when you get him with a good joke he would say "don't quit your day job".

 

[Anonymous]

My brother has some good ones. When someone would state their height he would say "I didn't know they could stack shit that high." And when someone would talk about trying to loose weight he would say "I know how you can loose ten pounds of ugly fat,,,,(pause for effect),,,,cut off your head!".
Then when you get him with a good joke he would say "don't quit your day job".

:lol!: :lol!:
Reminds me.
One of my buddies remarked to another....."dang bro, you picked up some weight since the last time I saw you..." The dude repied, "Yea what can I say, everytime I go round your house to bang your wife she gives me a cookie!"

 

[Johnny]

When we were kids, we went to a few different churches and we would often ask what church we were going to that particular Sunday. My parents response "the round church where the devil can't catch you in the corner"

Whenever my maternal grandfather would see a good looking woman he would say, "she's built like a brick shithouse"

 

[petertschantz]

One of my buddies remarked to another....."dang bro, you picked up some weight since the last time I saw you..." The dude repied, "Yea what can I say, everytime I go round your house to bang your wife she gives me a cookie!"

ROTFLMAO!!!!

 

[SmokeyTweed]

If somebody didn't show up to an event or couldn't handle their liquor my grandpa would say they "shit the bed" or would call them a "jam tart".

If we had a big snowfall the old man would say the snow is "Ass deep to a tall indian"

When you run into someone you haven't seen in a long time he'd say "Whatcha figure?" and in return the old friend would say "The price of eggs isn't worth the stretch on a chicken's ass" for some reason.

 

[beebiz]

Early on in school, I was one of those fat kids that the other kids loved to pick on unmercifully. One evening my mother's father picked me up from school and I was crying because of the teasing. He taught me something that later caused a few fights... but, shut most of them up!! He taught me to say, "I may be fat... but, you're ugly! And, at least I can diet... if I want to!!!

Something done quickly used to be done in "six shakes of a sheep's tail!"

Something done slowly was done "slower'n molasses on the First of January!"

When my neighbor sees a really cute puppy, she says, "He's/She's cuter than Hell!"

When someone says something you didn't want to hear, "If I want any shit out of you, I'll pull your chain!" Or, "When I want your opinion, I'll give it to you!"

"You're so dumb/stupid/ugly that we'd have all been much better off if they'd have kept the afterbirth and pitched the baby!"

"Good gawd-a-mighty... she's so ugly her maw had to hang a pork chop around her neck to get the hounds to play with her!"

Upon seeing something extremely huge, "Dad gum... that's almost big enough to plug my ex-wife's ass!"

When asked for a cigarette, "You want me to kick you in the ass to get it started?"

When asked for a cigarette and a light, "You want me to smoke the damn thing for you too?"

Way back before it was against the law to smoke in businesses, we had a barber who chewed, but couldn't stand the smell of smoke. He had a sign that hung on his mirror that said, "I see that you smoke... I warn you, I chew... If you don't smoke on me... I won't spit on you!!"

 

[Anonymous]

Good one Rob!!

 

[beebiz]

Good one Rob!!

Thank you, brother Piet! There are none of them that are original to me. I've picked them up here and there over the years. Still, I have used each and every one of them many, many times!!

Here's another: "I'm so mad I could eat a box of nails and shit out a barbed wire fence!"

But, I never figured whether or not that would help you get over your mad!! :lol:

 

[SmokeyTweed]

That boy is so quiet he wouldn't say shit if he had a mouthful.

I wouldn't piss on his teeth if his mouth was on fire.(said about a person whom you don't like)

 

[beebiz]

Smokey, those remind me...

"I wouldn't piss up his ass if his guts were on fire!"

"He's so quiet he wouldn't holler 'suey' if the pigs were after him!"

And, when hunting for something that's not readily available, "That thing is as scarce as hen's teeth!"

 

[Anonymous]

When asked for a cigarette, "You want me to kick you in the ass to get it started?"

When asked for a cigarette and a light, "You want me to smoke the damn thing for you too?"

Reminds me of a guy I used to work with, when anyone would bum a cigarette off him he would say "you old enough to smoke? (of course the reply was yes) Then your old enough to buy your own ain't ca?"

 

[bruins]

i knew a guy that if someone asked him if they minded if they smoked, he'd say, "hell, i don't care. set yourself on fire if you want."

(of course, this was back in the day....you remember, that time when people could smoke in the vacinity of other people.)

 

[beebiz]

Reminds me of a guy I used to work with, when anyone would bum a cigarette off him he would say "you old enough to smoke? (of course the reply was yes) Then your old enough to buy your own ain't ca?"

I love that one! :cheers: :cheers: :cheers:


Facetiously said after witnessing or hearing about something that was touchingly kind, "That just makes my heart want to pump peanut butter!"

Said after witnessing or hearing about something that angers, "That just makes my asshole want to take a dip of snuff... and, spit!" Or, "That just makes my asshole want to work buttonholes!"

Said about something that is exceptionally deep, "That's knee deep to a giraffe... standing on his head!"

Said about something you really don't want to do, "I'd rather slide naked... face down... on the sharp edge of a razor blade that's submerged in rubbing alcohol!"

"I've only got two functional brain cells... and, one of those misfires 99% of the time!"

Said after passing exceptionally offensive gas, "Damn... I think something crawled up my ass and died!"